well you have to smile

  • royallyshafted
  • 14/10/08 31/05/09
  • unspecified
  • Offline
Posted: Thu, 06/11/2008 - 17:58

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said, 'Alastair , I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England '.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, oh & a Labrador . Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Halifax, & we'll show we really enjoy the countryside, ....... oh & remember not to mention the hunting with dogs Act'

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out & with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London .

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for & found a lovely country pub called the Causeway Foot &, with the dog, went in & up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of you best ale, from the wood please'
said Brown

'Good evening, Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it is, coming up'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador lifted its tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure.

To the bewilderment of Brown & Darling people of all ages & gender followed suit over the next hour.

Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over.

'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in & look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old country custom?

'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes

4.642855
Your rating: None Average: 4.6 (28 votes)

Comment viewing options
Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

Where but in Iceland…

  • anrigaut
  • 19/10/08 30/10/09
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Tue, 24/05/2016 - 07:41

First time I've posted in this thread, but seems the best place to share this gem !

http://uti.is/2016/05/where-but-in-iceland/


Merry Xmas to you all

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Thu, 24/12/2015 - 12:25

Best wishes to all of you.Our prayers were answered and we all seem to have moved on. Some, 'bonus' interest would be welcome. I think it would go some way to ease the pain and sorrow we all went through. Some of us suffered more than others,but we all stood together and gave support in any way we could. Some of you still do to this day. You know who you are and we all give our heart felt thanks.
God bless you all and have a wonderful Xmas and a super New Year.
Mark xx


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Sat, 08/11/2014 - 08:24

HITTING THE NAIL ON THE HEAD

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES ....

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Fri, 31/10/2014 - 13:57

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

6.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

10.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11..Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.< /b>Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking --A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Fri, 31/10/2014 - 13:55

SOMEONE ASKED ME RECENTLY,

NOW THAT YOU ARE RETIRED, "DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER JOB?"

I REPLIED, "YES I AM MY WIFE'S SEXUAL ADVISOR."

SOMEWHAT SHOCKED, THEY SAID,

"I BEG YOUR PARDON, BUT WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?"

"VERY SIMPLE, I REPLIED. "THE WIFE HAS TOLD ME

THAT WHEN SHE WANTS MY

F-----G ADVICE, SHE WILL ASK ME FOR IT"


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Fri, 31/10/2014 - 13:54

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new Procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,'99'.
The old guy obeys and says, "99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,'99".
Again, the old guy says,"99".
The doctor said, “Very good”.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say,'99'.
The old guy begins, "One...
two…
three…"


Hi everyone.................enjoy

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Tue, 26/08/2014 - 08:05

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Sun, 03/08/2014 - 10:30

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

6.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

10.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11..Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.< /b>Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking --A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

If you don't forward this to your friends within the next 5 minutes - your belly button will unscrew - and your butt will fall off.

Really.... It's true


HELP PLEASE.THIS IS ME BEING SERIOUS!!

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Wed, 04/06/2014 - 08:44

Now as you guys know, i usually just post the odd funny on here.I haven't done so for a while.This is not due to me, 'not giving a thought,' about you guys.I guess everyone has got on with there lives and doesn't quite need the support from each other that was, immense in the early, dark days.
Anyway,we have a couple of star players who keep us updated with the latest news and financials. We are, forever grateful to them.We all know who they are.
This brings me to ask you all for something.Can you all please remember that this site needs funding.I would ask you all to make your donations, right NOW!! (pretty please)
We all still need this site and its upkeep, needs maintaining.Can you not leave this important issue for, "others," to keep doing! I know your busy,it just takes a few moments and means we stay in touch.
Have a lovely day,week,month,year and rest of your life.
Mark.


Thanks Mark for your plea.

  • anrigaut
  • 19/10/08 30/10/09
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Mon, 16/06/2014 - 16:20

Thanks Mark for your plea. Can I also please remind everyone that DAG's two websites (this chat site and main public site at ksfiomdag.com) are separately funded, as explained under the Funding tab on the top menu. I don't know whether this (chat) site needs funds at present (maybe ng can confirm?). However, I do know that, following its recent much-needed upgrade, the ksfiomdag.com site is currently low on funds, as explained in my latest post on another thread: http://chat.ksfiomdepositors.org/forum-topic/funding-ksfiomdagcom-site

So please ensure that any donations you make are directed according to your intentions.

Thanks folks!

Anrigaut

PS. Please note that, as a result of the recent upgrade, the link for donations to the ksfiomdag.com site has changed. The correct link (for that site) is now http://www.ksfiomdag.com/donation


Please use this thread for

  • ng
  • 11/10/08 31/12/20
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Mon, 16/06/2014 - 17:12

Please use this thread for this topic. Possibly it's high time that the two sites were merged in some way. We still got a lot of visitors (see Visitor statistics panel on the left) but very few new posts.


i thought this was funny!

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Wed, 04/06/2014 - 08:26

The CIA had an opening for an assassin, so after all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said, 'I had to kill him with the chair!'


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Wed, 04/06/2014 - 08:22

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question , 'half empty or half full?'...
She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long I hold it.
If I hold it for a minute , that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour , I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day , you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case it's the same weight , but the longer I hold it , the heavier it becomes." She continued , "and that's the way it is with stress.

If we carry our burdens all the time , sooner or later , as the burden becomes increasingly heavy , we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water , you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed , we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.

So , as early in the evening as you can , put all your burdens down.
Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon , and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet , just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..

5 * If you can't be kind , at least have the decency to be vague

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again , it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time , because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird , sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way , you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have , the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp , some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors , but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate


I'm still here!

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Wed, 04/06/2014 - 08:20

A.A.A.D.D. Symptoms

SYMPTOMS!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first... But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, And see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study. So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. as I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor, so, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....


Random thoughts

  • sambururob
  • 10/10/08 n/a (free)
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Thu, 03/04/2014 - 17:00

I Need your advice!

Been offered 8 legs of venison for £40.

Is that two deer?


Korean Government message says

a dog is not just for Christmas...

it's also for sandwiches on Boxing Day!


Paddy says to Mick

"Christmas Day is on a Friday this year".

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th".


A mate just called me in tears. His wife has left him,

taken his prized Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish!

Poor fella, no woman, no sky.


Apparently they've just started screening the Flintstones

in the Middle East .

Mixed reaction so far........people in Dubai didn't like it...

But those in Abu Dabi do.


Just bought 12 bottles of Tippex.

Huge mistake !!!


I'm just getting into snail racing.

I bought a special racing snail, but it wasn't fast enough

so I removed its shell to save weight.

If anything it just made it more sluggish.


Definitions

  • Codpeace
  • 23/10/08 30/11/12
  • unspecified
  • Offline
  • Mon, 31/03/2014 - 00:37

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: A grape with a bad sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.


Gentle thoughts

  • Codpeace
  • 23/10/08 30/11/12
  • unspecified
  • Offline
  • Mon, 31/03/2014 - 00:34

Birds of a feather flock together . .
And then shit on your car.

A penny saved is a
Government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher It is to lose weight, because by
Then your body and your fat have Gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find Something lost around the House is to buy a replacement ..

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.

The sole purpose of a child's Middle name is so he can Tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you Put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' Together it spells 'Theirs....'

Aging: Eventually you will Reach a point when you stop Lying about your age and Start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back Their odometers. Not me, I want People to know 'why' I look this Way. I've traveled a long way and Some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and Would like to go back to your Youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting Old when everything either Dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no One tells you about aging Is that it is such a nice change From being young. Ah, being Young is beautiful, but being Old is comfortable.


enjoy these..........

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Sun, 20/10/2013 - 08:31

Old Cemeteries

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the

car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up

and no place to go.

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.

Only the good die young.

In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid

but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,

And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.

Pardon him for not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,

Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:

Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,

But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England :

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,

and that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,

Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,
Vermont :

Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,
Massachusetts :

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,

Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a cemetery in England :

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Sat, 19/10/2013 - 16:39

Two gents were talking.
“At our age, I don’t know what would be worse;
Parkinson”s or Alzheimer”s?" one said.
His wise friend answered, “Oh I’d rather have
Parkinson’s, definitely Parkinson’s. Better to
spill half my wine than to forget where I keep

The bottle."


something different!!

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Wed, 16/10/2013 - 07:44

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ' UP .' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP , and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. If you argue, you can kiss and makeUP.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, the earth soaks UP the water. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP . One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now . . . my time is UP !

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U
P !

Did that one crack you UP ?

Don't screw UP . Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . . . or not . . . it'sUP to you.

Now I'll shut UP !


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Mon, 14/10/2013 - 09:26

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, Rubbing It between my breasts. "how long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "worked for your butt didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Sun, 13/10/2013 - 16:33

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral....A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life........
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'
The priest fainted !


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Sat, 12/10/2013 - 07:04

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy
territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer
from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went
mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G
string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.
The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on
and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for
the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The
Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof
down but ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes
backstage.
The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"
She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand.

__,.,___


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Tue, 08/10/2013 - 07:03

On the farm lived a Chicken and a Donkey, both of whom
loved to play together. One day, the two were playing
when the Donkey fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee-hawed' for the
chicken to go get the Farmer for help!

Off the Chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the
farm, he searched and searched for the Farmer, but to
no avail, for he had gone to town with the only
tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the
Farmer's new Z-3 silver BMW.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started
the beautiful motor car and sped off with a length of
rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's
life. Back at the bog, the Donkey was surprised, but
happy, to see the Chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and
he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the
Chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to
the rear bumper of the Farmer's car, the Chicken then
drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car,
rescued the Donkey!

Happy and proud, the Chicken drove the BMW back to the
farmhouse, and the Farmer was none the wiser when he
returned. The friendship between the two animals was
cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, would you believe, the Chicken fell
into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and
cried out to the Donkey to save his life! The Donkey
thought for a moment, walked over, and straddled the
large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the Chicken
to grab his Willie and he would then lift him out of
the pit. The Chicken got a Good grip, and the Donkey
pulled him up and out, saving his life.

And the moral of the story?

When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up a chick.


oooops a bit naughty!!

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Mon, 07/10/2013 - 06:41

>
> >
> > This is perhaps the most
> > profound philosophy I have heard in recent times:
> >
> >
> >
> >"Life is like a penis
> - simple, relaxed and hanging free...it's women who make it hard."
>


Punography

  • Pat
  • 10/10/08 30/11/12
  • unspecified
  • Offline
  • Sat, 05/10/2013 - 00:56

I tried to catch some fog. I mist
when cheicals die, they barium
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a season veteran
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
Energizer Bunny arrested: charged with battery
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? I goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.


Thanks to Cottesmore for keeping us amused....

  • Pat
  • 10/10/08 30/11/12
  • unspecified
  • Offline
  • Sat, 05/10/2013 - 00:42

"Survivor - Texas-Style!"

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas , drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Odessa , Midland , Lubbock , and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas .

Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 15 bumper stickers which will read:

  1. "I'm A Democrat"
  2. "Amnesty For Illegals"
  3. "I Love The Dixie Chicks"
  4. "Boycott Beef"
  5. "I Voted For Obama"
  6. " George Strait Sucks"
  7. "Re-elect Obama In 2016"
  8. "Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor"
  9. "Rosie O’Donnell Is Texas Born"
  10. "I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer"
  11. "Barney Frank Is My Hero"
  12. "I Side With Jane Fonda"
  13. "It's all Bush's Fault"
  14. “Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion

and the last sticker is…;

  1. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"

The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins..


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Fri, 04/10/2013 - 17:58

An elderly man in Queensland owned a large property. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built, and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices, shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women, skinny-dipping in his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all rushed to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, ‘We're not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the dam naked.’

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the crocodile.'

           Moral: Old men may walk slowly, but they can still think fast.

enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Fri, 04/10/2013 - 17:58

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Fri, 04/10/2013 - 17:57

> PREGNANT AT 71
> A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the
> younger
> doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst
> out
> screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and
> asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
>
> After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The
> older
> doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was
> writing on his
> clipboard.
>
> "What the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded.
> "Mrs.
> Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven
> grandchildren,
> and you told her she was pregnant?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The younger doctor continued writing and without looking
up
> said,
>
> "Does she still have the hiccups?"
>
>
>
>
>


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Sun, 11/08/2013 - 14:37

RETIRED PERSON HEALTH MESSAGE

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realised that at my age I don't really give a rat's arse anymore.
.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the tree.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.... (and don’t I know it)!
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something,
and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Sun, 11/08/2013 - 14:36

One Hell of a Day

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says,menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my
car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then
you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

"But, hell, enough about me. How are you doing?"


Big Bic Lighter

  • Codpeace
  • 23/10/08 30/11/12
  • unspecified
  • Offline
  • Sun, 21/07/2013 - 19:38

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'


Boudreaux's degrees

  • Codpeace
  • 23/10/08 30/11/12
  • unspecified
  • Offline
  • Fri, 19/07/2013 - 01:16

FIRST DEGREE
Boudreaux and his wife were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Boudreaux picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, dat's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The wife said, "Who was that my sweets?"

Boudreaux answered, "I don't know, some man wanting to
know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two Cajuns are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. He opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, dis person looks familiar." The second
Cajun says, "Here, let me see!!" So the first Cajun hands him the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
Boudreaux suspects his wife of cheating on him, so he goes out and buys a gun. He goes to his house unexpectedly and when he opens the door he finds her in the arms of another man. Well, Boudreaux is really angry! He pulls out the gun, and as he does so, he is overcome with grief. He takes the gun and puts it to his head. His wife yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

Boudreaux replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
Boudreaux was bragging about his knowledge of state capitals. He proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of dem." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" Boudreaux replies,
"Oh, dat's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the Cajun girl ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Boudreaux, a Cajun in his fourth year as a LSU Freshman, sat in his US Government class. The professor asked Boudreaux if he knew what Roe vs Wade was about. Boudreaux pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he
crossed the Delaware "

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, Boudreaux was shocked to find his house ransacked and burglarized. He telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Boudreaux ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting his face in his hands, Boudreaux
moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Sun, 07/07/2013 - 08:45

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman. For the final t est, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. ' I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and wen t into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another, eight in a row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks,' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Mon, 01/07/2013 - 07:01

Government at its best--- unbelieveable--- what a hoot!!!!!

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

You have to love this lawyer...

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual reply from FHA):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Ann oyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual response):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus 's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume God also made the part of the world called Louisiana . God; therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"
The loan was immediately approved.


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Sun, 16/06/2013 - 11:59

Wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!!

The husband, being not so romantic, replied,
“I am on the toilet. Please advise."


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Fri, 14/06/2013 - 20:01

SO TRUE technology has a down side!

Dear all,

Life just gets better as you get older.

I was in Starbucks recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that
I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed, but the music was really
loud, so to get relief and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of
the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and
noticed that everyone was staring at me.
Then I remembered that I was listening to my Ipod!

And how was your day?
This is what happens when old people start using technology!


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Wed, 12/06/2013 - 06:17

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally ."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -
Fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No".
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......"
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"


Quotable quotes

  • Codpeace
  • 23/10/08 30/11/12
  • unspecified
  • Offline
  • Wed, 12/06/2013 - 00:47

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. ~Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them or thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.~ Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall'

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.~ Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.~ Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical. ~ Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat? ~ Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport~ Jonathan Winters


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Thu, 06/06/2013 - 07:52

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.
There was one nurse that just drove him crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, ’And how are we doing this morning',

or 'Are we ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry?' Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day, at breakfast, Old Harold took the apple juice off the tray and put it in his bed side cupboard.
Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the apple juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. 'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today.'
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.' The nurse fainted!
Old Harold just smiled!

DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE!!!!


Ever Wonder Why?

  • Codpeace
  • 23/10/08 30/11/12
  • unspecified
  • Offline
  • Tue, 11/06/2013 - 01:25

With a touch of American.....

If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Pursue at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat...
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick


enjoy these..........

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Mon, 03/06/2013 - 13:05

Punography, Getting started for 2013

I tried to catch some Fog, I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid,but he says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met
herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't
control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have
nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Sorry, someone sent them to me so I sent them to you!


enjoy these..........

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Mon, 03/06/2013 - 13:02

Church Ladies With typewriters . . .

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Sat, 04/05/2013 - 11:02

Irish Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork from London . The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000 a year!

When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, €39

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000 in England !

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,

“Well, here it is on the screen; it says:”

Wait for it!

“Any wooden structure with a sprinkler system over it, is €39 !”


enjoy these..........

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Tue, 30/04/2013 - 15:46

DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
CAR
TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING
TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER
WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE
ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A
VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night...
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
And asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!


from a lady friend.............

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Tue, 30/04/2013 - 15:44

What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout.
Time was when on its own from my trousers it would spring,
But now it’s a full time job to find the bloody thing.
It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave ,for every single morning it would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes.


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Sat, 20/04/2013 - 11:56

On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.


enjoy this

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Thu, 18/04/2013 - 16:44

Banking... PRICELESS!!

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

1. To make an appointment to see me

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember:

Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.


enjoy this...........

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
  • Offline
  • Mon, 15/04/2013 - 14:36

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

  1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

  2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and
    hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

  3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of
    weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

  4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb
    potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

  5. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.