Special section for this posting!!!

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
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Posted: Thu, 18/12/2008 - 19:40

Possibly the best letter ever to come out of the Inland Revenue...Taken from the Guardian, an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue:
WAS THIS RESPONSE SENT TO ONE OF OUR FORUM MEMBERS? LOL.
Enjoy,
Mark

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a, "tax demand".
This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations

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Funny

  • formymum
  • 13/10/08 31/05/09
  • a depositor
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  • Thu, 18/12/2008 - 21:29

Excellent! Just about the funniest letter ever!


Vets bills nearly as expensive as PWC

  • cottesmore
  • 21/10/08 16/07/12
  • a depositor
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  • Thu, 18/12/2008 - 19:49

I haven't stopped laughing at this!!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the
table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried.
"£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."


Better than the reaction from the 'Dead' IOM Government anyway

  • Alan Mauritius
  • 03/11/08 31/05/09
  • a depositor
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  • Mon, 09/03/2009 - 04:16

I doubt whether the recipient of the letter found the reply funny. It's good to see that the Tax Man has a sense of humour, and he/she must have enjoyed writing the letter.

The ending was good: 'Send the money by Friday.'

A bit like the ending of all our lack-lustre letters from the IOM Government:
'It will still be the SoA by the 9th April.'